Telling your kids about divorce is one of the most difficult and painful aspects of divorce, no question. It’s difficult on a number of levels, from the emotional turmoil it’s sure to cause to figuring out how exactly to tell the kids about your divorce. What do you say? What shouldn’t you say? How do you answer their questions or deal with their response?

The Create-a-Storybook Guide for telling children about divorce was created especially to help parents handle this most difficult of tasks. And it’s one of the very few tools – in fact, I can’t think of any others – that provides parents with such a direct, structured and practical approach to follow.

With input from professional therapists Create-a-Storybook is endorsed by psychotherapists, counsellors, lawyers and other professionals whose expertise brings them into close contact with families going through a divorce. (Details at the Create-a-Storybook site, here.)

As you are probably aware, there are certain messages that must be communicated loud and clear when you tell your kids about divorce. These will leave them understanding divorce in a way that will help them cope with cope with divorce. The Create-a-Storybook method ensures that these critical “messages” are delivered, and in a way that’s positive and beneficial for your children’s emotional well-being.

This is really important. It’s a terrible waste to go through the emotional upset of telling children about divorce without, at the same time, delivering the essential messages they need to hear. Unfortunately, it’s too often the case – it’s all too easy to be thrown off track when emotions combine with a lack of structure to your meeting.

How the Create-a-Storybook concept works

Essentially the Create-a-Storybook guide to telling children about divorce involves (you guessed it) creating a storybook (full instructions included). You’ll then use this storybook – a personal, family storybook with photos and so on – to explain your divorce to your children.

The Guide tells you exactly what to say – the “script” (as it were) is built-in, and is in age-appropriate language.

There are two templates – one for ages 5 to 10, and the other for ages 10 to 15 – with plenty of options for customizing your storybook so that it is totally in tune with your family and circumstances.

The side benefits

As well as making sure your talk with your children is positive and supportive of their emotional health during divorce, the Guide includes additional advice such as when to tell the kids, and advice on including your spouse.

I think it also has to be said that “reading together” is an experience that many of us remember fondly – and that perhaps your children have enjoyed – as close, quiet and focussed times that made us feel safe and at the center of our parents’ universe. And when you are telling your children about divorce, these sorts of feelings can only help.

I think too that if you have older children, outside the scope of the guide, it may benefit them to play a part in creating the Storybook. It’s important not to overestimate older children’s coping skills or abuse their desire to help you cope so this could be a healthy and positive way for older teens to work through the Storybook too, and be “helpful” and involved without taking on any actual responsibility.

Extra help for you and your children

As well as the actual Create-a-Storybook guide, the package includes “genuine value” extras to ensure all goes well. These are:

The Therapeutic Insights Journal. This is used soon after you’ve told your children about your divorce, to record responses and other key details. Combined with the expert insight contained in the Journal, this will help you identify areas that will need special attention, further clarification, and so on.

The What-To-Say CHECKLIST When Telling the Kids about Your Divorce. Although the essential messages are built into the Storybook, this checklist is a “must read” before your talk, and makes absolutely sure nothing is missed.

Recognizing Signs of Conflict in Your Child. In a sense, this is a “decoding” book to help you interpret your children’s’ behaviour after you’ve told them about your divorce, so that you know when they are troubled and can’t take action to help.

20-minute free telephone coaching session with Amy Sherman, LMHC. Amy is one of the expert contributors to Create-a-Storybook. This free session gives you an opportunity to ask questions and get personalized advice on the best way to ensure a child-centered divorce in your particular family.

The Create-a-Storybook Guide – How to Tell the Kids About the Divorce is currently $37. This includes the actual Storybook guide as well as the extra items above. All the components are supplied as ebooks and backed by a no-questions-asked “no hassles” 100% money-back guarantee for a totally risk-free purchase.

By following these tips on how to talk to your children about divorce you can eliminate from the outset many of the fears and concerns that can cause long term emotional damage in children of divorce.

Choose the right time to talk to your children

• The sooner you talk to your children about divorce, the better. Even infants and toddlers can sense a change in parents which may be causing undue anxiety. As we all know, children’s imaginations can run wild.
• Talk to your children about divorce before any major changes take place. This makes it clear that they can trust you to be open and upfront. In other words, that divorce is not going to be a series of nasty surprises.
• Choose a time for your “important talk” which will not interfere with your children’s usual activities and events. One of the keys to helping children cope with divorce is maintaining routines. Start as you mean to go on.

Get support for your talk

• When you have chosen a good time to talk to your children about divorce, instruct friends and family to steer clear and not to call for news of how it went. You can’t be sure how long your talk will last. After your talk, you and your children will need quiet time together for reflection. You need to be 100% available to answer further questions or give them a hug, not tied up on the phone.
• If at all possible, talk to your children about divorce together with your spouse. This may be difficult but it is important that you make an effort to separate marital and parental issues and, as parents at least, act as a team. This is the most effective way to reassure a child that the end of your marriage does not mean the end of your family – that they are not going to lose one of you.
• If it is not possible to talk to your children together with your spouse, talk to each other beforehand to make sure you follow the same “script” and ground rules when talking to them individually. Above all, agree to keep negative thoughts about each other to yourselves whenever you talk to your children about divorce.

What to talk about – dos and don’ts

• Use age-appropriate terms that your children are sure to understand.
• Stick to immediate issues – to explaining that you are getting a divorce, explaining what divorce means, and addressing immediate concerns such as who is going to live where.
• When explaining what will change, remember to talk about all the things that will stay the same.
• Do not go into detail about your marital problems. It is enough for your children to know that they exist and that you have not been able to work them out. However, children may press for a reason. Agree with your spouse beforehand on what this is, again, keeping it simple.
• Provide key reassurances. The things that children most need to hear when you talk to them about divorce are:
  • That they are not at fault.
  • That neither parent is rejecting them: that both of you love, and will continue to love your children.
  • That they still have a family, including both parents, grandparents and other favorite relatives.
  • That their basic needs will still be met
• Emphasize the amount of time and thought that went into your decision. False hopes must be nipped in the bud to protect your children from an emotionally damaging cycle of hope and disappointment.

Handling emotions

• During your talk, try to remain calm, confident and in control. Your body language and manner will send a strong message to your children about how they should feel about divorce, if not now then later.
• More immediately, be prepared for a strong emotional reaction when you talk to your children about divorce. It is unrealistic to expect anything less.
• If your children become angry or upset, do not become defensive or apologetic. Be honest and sympathize. Agree that this is a difficult, unhappy time. Above all, do not encourage hopes for reconciliation. Stay on track.

Concluding your talk

• Ask your children about any fears or concerns they have and answer honestly. If you don’t know how a particular issue will be resolved, say so, but assure them you will let them know when you do.
• Explain that you will always be available to answer questions – and make sure that you are.

After you talk to your children about divorce they may want to go to their rooms to think, or to sit quietly cuddled up with you. Alternatively, they may react positively if you suggest you go out and do something special together. Gauge the mood and act accordingly, and do not be hurt or overly anxious if your children are hostile and uncommunicative. Give them space and time.

As you can see, how you talk to your children about divorce will have a strong influence on how they will feel about and ultimately cope with your divorce. This won’t be immediately apparent but by following these tips on how to talk to your children about divorce the difference will be a positive one.

An original article, exclusive to this site
Copyright 2007 Caroline Mackenzie

How do I tell the kids about the divorce?
Create-a-Storybook™ is a unique and positive way to explain your divorce to your children. Designed by divorce and mediation therapists with step-by-step instructions, expert advice and templates for ages 5 to 10, and 10 to 15.
Find out more about The Create-a-Storybook™ Guide

When the people that children love most are not interested in helping them deal with the emotional effects of divorce, natural anxieties and fears can develop into significant and often long-term problems. However, when children do get the help they need, they may have their ups, downs and difficulties but they will emerge as healthy – and often healthier – young people.

So what are the best ways to help your children cope with divorce?

Again, half the battle is won because you care. For the rest, follow these simple tips, identified by research as the most effective ways to minimize the effects of divorce on children and brighten their outlook on the future.

Bring divorce into the open

Being open at all times is a golden rule for helping your children cope with divorce. Secrecy breeds fear and mistrust at a time when children need to feel secure. Your children will quickly sense, if they haven’t already, that something is “wrong.”

It is important to bring the situation into the open as soon as possible and talk to your children about divorce. It will be difficult but children can cope with a single reality – even divorce – far more effectively than numerous imaginary fears.

Keep it simple

To cope with divorce, children need to understand divorce. Stick to simple, basic facts and use age-appropriate language. Attempting to explain the dynamics of adult relationships – and why they end – only muddies the waters with more information than they can understand or absorb.

How do I tell the kids about the divorce?
Create-a-Storybook™ is a unique and positive way to explain your divorce to your children. Designed by divorce and mediation therapists with step-by-step instructions, expert advice and templates for ages 5 to10 and 10 to 15.

Don’t overestimate your child’s maturity

Be careful not to overestimate how well an older child can cope with divorce. Eager to seem “grown up,” older children can be reluctant to seek help and miss out on receiving the support and reassurance they really need. Provide regular reminders that you are available – a subtle way of letting them know it is ok to need to help. For confidential talk and advice, turn to adult friends and family, not your teenage children.

Maintain routines

Another key to helping your children cope with divorce is to keep day-to-day life on track as far as possible. Your children may want to skip school, feign sickness and so on. Allow them some leeway – this is an unusual time – but draw a line.

Your children must continue to be exposed to a variety of people and situations rather than dwelling in an atmosphere dominated by your divorce. And by maintaining familiar habits and routines, the effects of divorce won’t seem so drastic after all.

Set a limit on changes

Children have difficulty coping with the effects of divorce – change – rather than divorce itself. From a child’s point of view, if one thing changes perhaps everything will change. Perhaps they will have to move to a different school, lose their favorite pet, never get to play in their favorite park again…

When talking about divorce with your children, balance explanations of things that are going to change with reassuring reminders of all the things that will stay the same.

Set a good example of coping with divorce

One of the most important things that you and your spouse can do in terms of helping your children cope with divorce is to set a good example. If it is quite obvious that you can’t cope – the superhero parent – they will feel it is impossible.

So, by helping yourself to cope with divorce you will be helping your children too. Enlist the help of friends and family so that you can take time out – and take strong emotions out of sight – whenever you feel particularly stressed or upset.

Respect your children’s feelings for your spouse

One of the least helpful – and indeed damaging – things that divorcing parents can do is vent negative feelings about each other, making children feel that they are expected to take sides. Children simply cannot cope with the emotional confusion and trauma this causes.

Whatever you really feel for each other, it is essential that you and your spouse show respect for each other. Children who feel free to love both parents, openly and without fear of disapproval, cope well with divorce.

Eliminate false hopes for reconciliation

You will not be helping your children to cope with divorce if you allow them to cling to the hope that you and your spouse will change your minds. Emphasize to your children how much time and thought has gone into your decision to divorce.

If the decision to divorce was made by your spouse and it is difficult for you to accept, understand how important it is that your children understand that it is inevitable. This will help them (and perhaps you too) avoid a painful and emotionally damaging cycle of hope and disappointment.

Work with your spouse

As you can see, wherever possible you and your soon-to-be ex need to work together in terms of helping your children cope with divorce, if nothing else. By showing a united and mutually-respectful front, your children will gain a sense of optimism regarding life after divorce.

But there are benefits for you too. You will both learn an important lesson – that despite everything, you can communicate, agree and behave like civilized adults. And less conflict will in turn be another way of helping your children cope with divorce.

Copyright 2007 Caroline Mackenzie

Parenting plans explain to the courts how divorcing parents plan to care for (parent) their children. They cover every aspect of children’s lives, where they will live, their education, religion, medical care, where they will spend Christmas, birthdays, and so on.

Parenting plans also deal with unusual events and situations. For instance, medical emergencies, or what will happen if one of you is sick and unable to have your time with the children. Parents must also explain how they plan to resolve differences if and when they arise.

By requiring a parenting plan, courts can ensure that children’s interests are not neglected, during or after divorce.

The courts now recognize that children’s interests are best served when both parents contribute emotionally as well as financially to their well-being. With this in mind, parenting plans are designed to encourage cooperation rather than conflict.

First of all, both parents are involved in preparing parenting plans. This eliminates much of the frustration and conflict that occurs when one parent feels they have no say in their children’s future.

Secondly, parenting plans are backed by mediation services. Parents can be ordered to use them if they cannot agree on a plan. If agreement proves impossible, a judge may decide what is best for the children. This is a last resort but it is a strong incentive for parents to work together. However, the broad scope of parenting plans means parents can usually find something to agree on and see that it is possible, at least, to cooperate.

To encourage cooperation, parenting plans use new terms, like “parenting responsibilities” rather than “custody and visitation,” which have negative associations. They are easy to understand, use plain everyday language and are usually a work in progress – some points in the parenting plan will be harder to agree on than others.

However, now that they are part of the divorce process, there is plenty of advice available, online and off, to help parents develop a parenting plan. And parents really should try their very best to develop one together.

Parenting plans are, after all, designed to protect your children and recognize that parents, not the courts, are best placed to decide what’s best for them. By working together on a parenting plan, you and your spouse have something to gain too. By planning for events in advance, parenting plans eliminate a great deal of conflict in post-divorce life.

Copyright 2007 Caroline Mackenzie

When a divorce occurs, children often feel like the bottom has fallen out of their world. The mother and father together in a healthy marriage provide a secure environment for children, and when this is suddenly gone they are susceptible to all kinds of emotional troubles. They may become aggressive, or they may withdraw. Behavioural problems are common, as is poor performance in schoolwork. Their confidence will often be affected when faced with the challenge of adjusting to a new reality.

Thankfully there are some steps that concerned parents can take to help their children cope with this painful experience.

Firstly, make sure you put extra effort into letting your children know how much you love them, and that the divorce is not their fault. They will most likely need more reassurance than is normal, and the more positive words and positive shared experiences during this time the better.

How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce?
Create-a-Storybook™ is a unique tool for explaining divorce to children, designed by professional therapists to help you get it right.

Secondly, resist from being critical of your ex-spouse in front of the children, as regardless of their shortcomings they will always be the other parent of your children. It’s best if you are always cordial and work cooperatively for the good of your offspring.

Thirdly, give your children time and space to express themselves. It is a huge issue for them, and their feelings won’t be resolved immediately. One good idea is to ask them to record their thoughts in a journal. This provides a positive and non-destructive outlet for emotions that are running deep during divorce.

If children and divorce is a reality in your situation, you can put these tips into practice. If you do will be on the way to helping your children cope and face the future with confidence and hope.

Wayne and Jenny Gillie are parents and school teachers, and have established http://www.buildkidsconfidence.com as a resource for parents and teachers who want to improve the self confidence of their children or students.

Having experienced a divorce first hand, I believe the parent’s actions will have an impact on the children after the separation. Don’t get me wrong; some children will pass through a divorce completely unaffected while other kids will obviously need some help.

Recently, my two sons who live with their mom in a different province were visiting me for a week. During the visit, I saw my oldest son staring off into space one day with a far away look on his face. I asked him what he was thinking about and he made up some response about just looking at the forest. I realized the time was not right to discuss the matter but I asked him about it later that day. He eventually confessed he missed living in the same place as his dad but he didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to make me sad.

As it turns out, he also did not want to play with any of his old friends from our neighborhood because he was afraid his mom might think he liked his old friends more then his new friends. He also said he didn’t want to make his mom mad in the event she thought he may want to move back with his dad.

Obviously, my oldest son is troubled by the divorce and separation of his parents despite what his mother would say. The real question is will this affect him in years to come? Will he experience trouble with commitment or communication? I certainly hope not but things are obviously much more difficult because my ex-wife refuses to communicate with me about the children.

In his book, Emery suggests parents should treat their relationship after a divorce like a business. He suggests the parents are in the business of raising children and they would be better off if they treated it as a business. As with any business, if there is a lack of communication the business will fail. If my ex-wife refuses to communicate with me, how are we supposed to have a successful business? In looking back at our marriage, I can see a common thread of her wanting to do things her way and not involve me in the decision making process.

How should I react to this situation now?

I try to follow Emery’s advice but as he suggests himself, I found … that all the advice I’d given was true, but it was a lot harder to follow than I realized. It is very difficult to remain objective and look at such an emotional situation like a business. It is extremely difficult to step back from the pain, hurt and suffering and put my children first. It has tested the very bounds of my compassion and forgiveness but I have to believe it is in the best long-term interest of my kids.

When my children were visiting me, they told me about mommy’s new friend that visits the house for a sleep over. It would have been very nice to hear this from my ex-wife. I could care less if she is seeing anyone and in many regards, I am very happy she is. The point is she should have communicated this directly to me if she was sincerely interested in what was best for the kids.

Sometimes it is very difficult to do the right thing but I have to keep reminding myself over and over again and again that it is in the best interest of the kids. Just because my ex refuses to respect me as a father, I will not treat her the same way she is treating me.

I firmly believe that children will eventually be able to figure this out themselves. I also believe that children will eventually gravitate towards the parent who is most positive. All I can do is be supportive for my children, have an understanding demeanor and hope they eventually fall into the 75% category.

Gary Kelly is co-creator of the online dating website for golfers, DateAGolfer.com and PuttingForPar.com. DateAGolfer.com is an online dating website for golfers who are interested in expanding their golf network. Join us in Myrtle Beach in September for the world’s first international singles golf tournament. PuttingForPar.com is a golf website specializing in high quality personalized ball markers. They make a great gift idea for golfers in your life.

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As a parent there are several things that you can do to help your children get through the divorce with as little difficulty as possible. Both parents working together on this goal can make it even easier for the children.

Love

Children at this time need even more love from parents than they did prior to the divorce. This means telling your children every chance to get that you love them, think of them often, and will always be there for them. Try spending some extra one-on-one time with your kids and encourage them to talk about their concerns or fears.

Support and security

Just like love, kids need to feel that they are supported, secure and safe during the divorce. Often children feel very insecure about their relationship with one or both of the parents, and may feel that the parent that moves out of the house has rejected them. Talk to the children about the divorce, and explain that both parents will still be very involved in their lives. Show children your support and commitment to them by being there, and following through on any plans or events. Children may also feel that the custodial parent may not have the financial means to support them, especially if money is an issue in the divorce or in the disagreements leading up to the divorce. Assure your children that you have this under control. Children should not feel concern over financial affairs; they need to know that Mom and Dad have this handled.

Avoid conflict

Children need to see that Mom and Dad still can work together to be good parents. Kids should never be exposed to fighting, negative comments about the other parent, or conflict between parents. If you have a high-conflict situation try exchanging the children at a neutral spot like a restaurant, or perhaps leave the children with a friend and have the other parent pick them up there so you don’t have to meet face to face. It is critical that children not be exposed to the stress and anxiety of parental conflict.

Extended family

Talk to your extended families to make sure that they are following the same expectations for providing love, support, and only positive comments. Encourage your children to talk to other family members about the divorce if they feel comfortable with this.

Set a routine and schedule

As soon as possible set a schedule for children to spend time with both parents. Try to stick to the schedule as much as possible as this allows the children to plan for times with both parents, and to feel a part of both parents’ lives.

Be consistent

Try to set similar expectations for chores, discipline and daily routines in both Mom’s house and Dad’s house. This is particularly important if you have younger children, as they will adjust to spending time in both homes much quicker if they are consistent.

Jonathan Brown recommends that you visit Toronto Divorce for more information about how to protect your children from your divorce.

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