It is important, then, that parents have a clear idea of what exactly the psychological effects of divorce on their children may be. They can then make a sound decision about divorce and work throughout divorce to minimize or avoid them altogether.
Before looking at the emotional effects of divorce on children, remember:

• They are potential effects
• Some apply to certain age groups more than others.
• The likelihood and extent of these emotional effects depends on a number of factors, almost all of which are within your control.

So what are the emotional effects of divorce on children? Children may experience a wide range of emotions, some of which may be new and therefore doubly distressing.

Insecure and afraid of the future

The many and often unavoidable changes that accompany divorce can undermine a child’s sense of security and make them fearful of the future – about “what’s next?” Will we be poor, will we have enough to eat, will I have to go to a new school, will I lose my pet rabbit, will I still see my friends? In short, they will fret about all the things that are important in their world.

Fearful of being abandoned

From a child’s perspective, the unimaginable has happened – a parent is no longer at home. Children may be deeply afraid that the other parent is going to “disappear” too and leave them alone in the world.

Rejected

Children of divorce may feel rejected and unloved by the parent who has left. This makes little sense until we remember that children perceive themselves as the center of the universe. Therefore, everything that happens must have something to do with them.

At fault

For the same reason, children may believe the divorce is their fault, caused by something they said or did, or just the way they are, and feel a deep sense of guilt and shame. Even difficult teens may be afraid that their behavior has contributed to the divorce and made it easier for a parent to leave.

How do I tell the kids about the divorce?
Create-a-Storybook™ is a unique and positive way to explain your divorce to your children. Designed by divorce and mediation therapists with step-by-step instructions, expert advice and templates for ages 5 to 10, and 10 to 15.
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Powerless

Children who feel responsible for problems between parents tend to believe they can also fix things. They may go to great lengths to be a “better child” – a more helpful and appealing child – or believe they have the power to “wish” their parents back together again. When this doesn’t happen – when their often elaborate plans and hopes for reconciliation fail – children feel powerless and upset that they cannot make a difference.

Torn in two

The most damaging effect of divorce on children is the emotional trauma caused by parents who fight or belittle each other in front of their children. Children feel expected to take sides but cannot do this without being disloyal to the other parent. However, by not taking sides they fear disapproval and rejection by both. They are trapped in a no-win situation where it is “wrong” to love both parents.

Sad

Children of divorce may feel a huge sense of loss and sadness, believing that the absent parent has gone forever and that they no longer have a family – a way of life is at an end. Their feelings mirror those of children who really have lost a parent forever, to accident or illness. However, they are often underestimated or overlooked so that children of divorce do not receive the same kind of support. Unmanaged they can deepen into depression.

Stressed

During divorce, children may feel stressed and under pressure to do more than they can realistically cope with at a time that is already stressful enough. For instance, they may volunteer to take on extra duties at home or be burdened with extra responsibilities like it or not. They may also be used as a confidante and advisor by one or both parents, a role that even teens are not qualified for or comfortable with. Eager to help out and seem “grown up,” they may hide how stressed they really are.

Lonely

Children of divorce may feel lonely. They may miss the intimacy, comfort and particular parenting skills of the absent parent. The parent at home may be so wrapped up in their own problems that they are not available to their children. Circumstances may have cut them off from their usual playmates. Children may seek intimacy and comfort elsewhere, or become withdrawn.

Angry

Anger is a common emotional effect of divorce caused by lack of understanding or acceptance of the divorce, specific events and changes, emotions that children are not equipped to manage or express, and so on. Children do not always show their anger. It is more common when divorce brings a low-conflict marriage to an end because the reasons for the divorce are not so obvious. Children resent their parents for doing something that in their view is unnecessary.

Depressed

Depression is not a direct emotional effect of divorce but a “second stage” emotion following on from one or several emotions linked to divorce. For instance, sadness, loneliness, feeling rejected. Depression is a sign that children have not received the support they need to cope with these emotions.

How you can help

As mentioned earlier, the emotional effects of divorce are within your control.

Firstly, notice how most of these emotions stem from the way a child thinks about divorce – about themselves, their parents and the effect of divorce on their life. This is why the way you talk to children about divorce is important. By monitoring and managing the way your children think about divorce, you can nip these emotions in the bud.

Secondly, you can watch your own behavior, ensuring that you do not overestimate your child’s maturity, that you are available to your children and that you keep negative feelings about your spouse under wraps.

An original article, exclusive to this site
Copyright 2007-2010 Caroline Mackenzie

Create-a-Storybook
A unique tool for explaining divorce to children, designed by professional therapists to help you get it right.

Many couples considering divorce refuse to believe that divorce can have a negative effect on their children. But many studies have been conducted that prove otherwise.

A long term study released in 2002 by the Institute for American Values found that unhappily married adults who divorced were no more likely to report emotional or psychological improvements than those who stayed married.

According to this study, divorce does in fact NOT improve your emotional health. I think it would be safe to assume that this is due to the stress and financial burden divorce inflicts upon couples.

Here’s another fact you might not know…

The Institute for American Values study found that almost eight out of 10 couples who avoided divorce were happily married five years later. Surprising, isn’t it?

Here is another fact…

Half of all American children will witness the breakup of a parent’s marriage. Of these, close to half will also see the breakup of a parent’s second marriage.(Furstenberg, Peterson, Nord, and Zill, Life Course)

Many couples divorce, and then remarry without knowing the true cause of their marriage problems in the first marriage. This is why the second marriage divorce rate is even higher than that of the first marriage!

Some statistics specifically about the effects of divorce on children…

- Studies in the early 1980′s showed that children in repeat divorces earned lower grades and their peers rated them as less pleasant to be around. (Andrew J. Cherlin, Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage Harvard University Press 1981)

- Forty percent of children growing up in America today are being raised without their fathers. (Wade, Horn and Busy, Fathers, Marriage and Welfare Reform Hudson Institute Executive Briefing, 1997)

- Teenagers in single-parent families and in blended families are three times more likely to need psychological help within a given year. (Peter Hill Recent Advances in Selected Aspects of Adolescent Development Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 1993)

- Compared to children from homes disrupted by death, children from divorced homes have more psychological problems. (Robert E. Emery, Marriage, Divorce and Children’s Adjustment Sage Publications, 1988)

That statistic is truly amazing, isn’t it? But let me continue on…here are are some more shocking statistics on the effect of divorce on children…

- Children living with both biological parents are 20 to 35 percent more physically healthy than children from broken homes. (Dawson, Family Structure and Children’s Health and Well-being” Journal of Marriage and the Family)

- Most victims of child molestation come from single-parent households or are the children of drug ring members. (Los Angles Times 16 September 1985 The Garbage Generation)

- A Child in a female-headed home is 10 times more likely to be beaten or murdered. (The Legal Beagle, July 1984, from The Garbage Generation)

- The study of children six years after a parental marriage breakup revealed that even after all that time, these children tended to be lonely, unhappy, anxious and insecure”. (Wallerstein The Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 1991)

- Children of divorce are four times more likely to report problems with peers and friends than children whose parents have kept their marriages intact. (Tysse, Burnett, Moral Dilemmas of Early Adolescents of Divorced and Intact Families. Journal of Early Adolescence 1993)

- Children of divorce, particularly boys, tend to be more aggressive toward others than those children whose parents did not divorce. (Emery, Marriage, Divorce and Children’s Adjustment, 1988)

- Children of divorce are at a greater risk to experience injury, asthma, headaches and speech defects than children whose parents have remained married. (Dawson, Family Structure and Children’s Health and Well Being National Health Interview Survey on Child Health, Journal of Marriage and the Family)

- People who come from broken homes are almost twice as likely to attempt suicide than those who do not come from broken homes. (Velez-Cohen, Suicidal Behavior and Ideation in a Community Sample of Children Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 1988)

- Children of divorced parents are roughly two times more likely to drop out of high school than their peers who benefit from living with parents who did not divorce. (McLanahan, Sandefur, Growing Up With a Single Parent: What Hurts, What Helps Harvard University Press 1994)

- Seventy percent of long-term prison inmates grew up in broken homes. (Horn, Bush, Fathers, Marriage and Welfare Reform)

- Following divorce, children are fifty percent more likely to develop health problems than two parent families. (Angel, Worobey, Single Motherhood and Children’s Health)

- Of all children born to married parents this year, fifty percent will experience the divorce of their parents before they reach their 18th birthday. (Fagan, Fitzgerald, Rector, The Effects of Divorce On America)

I hope these statistics may eventually cause you (or your spouse) to seriously consider all the consequences of divorce before you make that final decision.
Based on these statistics, it becomes obvious that children need stable, loving homes with both mom and dad. There is, of course an exception to every rule, and in this case it is households where abuse is taking place. Children should under no circumstances remain in an abusive atmosphere that is unsafe for them.

But if there is no abuse taking place in your marriage and the two of you have simply “grown apart”,or fell out of love, I urge you to seek out help for your marriage before you give up completely. For your children’s sake, even if you’re feeling hopeless right now, get help for your marriage today.

With an 88% success rate, Larry Bilotta’s Marriage Lifeline Program, gives you hope for your marriage – even if you’re the only one who wants to Save the marriage. For FREE, straightforward, no-nonsense advice you can use to save your marriage, with or WITHOUT your spouse’s participation visit Larry’s web site: Stop Your Divorce.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Larry_Bilotta
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Despite our best efforts, divorce brings many changes into children’s lives, from new routines to the biggest change of all – the fact that one parent is no longer at home. As adults, it is difficult to appreciate the extent to which the “disappearance” of a parent from day-to-life affects children.

For us, there was a time when we did not know our ex-spouse. For children, this isn’t so. Both parents have always been there, in the same way that the sky has always been blue. That’s “how life is”. But all of a sudden, thanks to divorce, it isn’t.

Because children have only known one way of life it is difficult for them to imagine another. And as parents know very well, faced with the unknown a child’s mind will fill up with all sorts of dark and frightening thoughts. These include worrying that the absent parent has gone forever and feeling that if that can happen, anything can happen. The future is a frightening blank.

During a divorce it is essential that parents replace a child’s imaginary fears with concrete realities, and show them that change has limits. The best way to do this is to emphasize, when talking to children about divorce, all the things that will stay the same, and by encouraging children to express their fears.

Parents are often surprised by the kind of change-related fears children have – and how easy they are to lay to rest. For instance, as well as needing to know that the other parent is still very much in their lives and always will be, a child may be deeply reassured to know that their pet rabbit is not going out of their lives either!

Luckily the subject of change is easier to approach than the subject of divorce, and deserves its own session. With time, children will understand that life will indeed be different as a result of divorce but it will still contain all the things – and people – that are important to them.

Copyright 2007 Caroline Mackenzie

I’ve summarized a report on the study by SAMHSA below and you can read the complete article on this page.

Report Summary

Most children of divorced parents in the United States (40 percent of all children) adjust well to their parents’ split.

Researchers at the University of Arizona tried to find out whether post-divorce counseling for children helped prevent some negative outcomes of divorce-conduct problems, dropping out of school, substance use, high-risk sexual behaviors, and depression-during the teen years.

To find out whether counseling could reduce problems during the teen years in children of divorce, researchers tested more than 200 9- to 12-year-olds who lived with their mothers after a divorce.

The group sessions addressed improving the mother-child relationship, disciplining, increasing the father’s access to the child, and reducing conflict between the parents.

Another program consisted of 11 group sessions and 2 private sessions for the mothers and 11 group sessions for the children.

The third program was a control group in which participants received three books on adjusting to divorce, but no private or group counseling.

After 6 years, researchers checked on 218 of the families that participated to see how the children had fared as teens.

Teens who had received counseling as children were far more likely than those with no counseling to avoid mental health problems that often plague teens whose parents have split up.

In fact, surveys revealed that 23.5 percent of the teens who had no counseling or other help had mental health problems, compared with 11 percent of the teens who had been in the programs.

Researchers also found that counseling in childhood reduced marijuana, alcohol, and other illegal drug use and number of sexual partners during the teen years.

Will divorce hamper this important process? Not necessarily, according to a study by sociologist Chris Manning.

It suggests that rather than falling victim to divorce, teens can (and very often do) manipulate the situation to their advantage. That is, that divorce presents many opportunities for teens to not only establish but assert their identity, and gain a new found and somewhat unexpected sense of authority.

Teens of divorce do this in many ways, including:

Controlling the flow of information. Communication between divorced parents is usually pretty poor. Teens can give or withhold information – whichever suits them best – without worrying that parents are comparing notes.

Changing their minds about where they want to live. When parents divorce, teens often choose (no surprise) to live with the least authoritative parent. They can also move, or threaten to move, to the other parent’s home if they don’t get their way.

Refusing contact with a parent. By doing so, teens can set favorable terms and conditions that must be met before they will agee to see the other parent.

The clear message here is that divorcing parents really do need to be on the same page – and communicating – about their children. Teenage children my not “suffer” as much as we th-nk during divorce, but nor should theybe learning that manipulative behavior is a good thing.

The more children accept divorce, the less divorce affects children. However, their acceptance depends on two things. Firstly, how well you communicate with your children and secondly, whether or not your decision to divorce makes sense in their black-and-white world.

Divorce makes most sense to children and affects them least – when it brings a high-conflict marriage to an end. Even young infants suffer physically and emotionally from conflict at home. Older children will know that something is very wrong and come to understand that you are trying to make things right, as parents do.

Divorce makes least sense and affects children most when it brings a low-conflict marriage to an end.

On the whole, children of low-conflict marriages would rather put up with life the way it is upsetting but not traumatizing – than see their parents divorce. So far as they’re concerned, if they can live with it, why can’t you?

It doesn’t help to try and explain why some relationships last and some fail. As children, they have no experience to help them understand. On top of this, children typically see their parents as the great fixers – the people who make problems go away. Suddenly, you seem unwilling or unable to make things right, even though the solution seems simple just be nice to each other.

As a result, children feel frustrated, betrayed, confused and distrustful a whole package of new and negative emotions, often far worse than anything they’ve felt before.

Sadly, most marriages that end in divorce fall into the low-conflict category.

This doesn’t mean that parents in low-conflict marriages shouldn’t divorce. After all, their happiness counts too! Only that they should be doubly sure that divorce is the only option. And when it is, to appreciate how their divorce affects their children, and do all they can to help them cope.

There’s no doubt that children of divorce do experience emotional and behavioral problems. What troubles me is these studies and statistics give the impression that divorce is solely responsible for those problems.

I think this is unrealistic. And I think it’s dangerously misleading for people trying to do the right thing by their children.

The fact is, by the time their parents reach the point of divorce, most children have suffered already – from the effects of a bad marriage. The trouble is, social scientists don’t take note of how these children feel and behave until after their parents divorce. And then blame their emotional and behavioral problems on, you guessed it, divorce.

Unfortunately, this leads many parents to spare their children the effects of divorce, leaving them stuck instead with the possibly far more damaging effects of their marriage.

When parents divorce they often put their children in the center of arguments and a game of emotional tug of war. To avoid this sort of thing parents need to work together. Even though their marriage is over they are still parents together. The child needs to understand many things about the divorce. Parents need to keep in touch with their children and understand the many feelings they may be having. Older children, especially, can go through periods where they act out as a way to cope with the divorce. Many times children feel the divorce is their fault. They may worry about the future and how to deal with other events, like parent’s day at school. Both parents need to show the children that they can work together and not fight. At the same time it is important to let the children know that you are not getting back together. Establishing some sort of family structure is a necessity to help children get back to normal.

Children will react different depending on their age. The following list explains a little about each age group and how they react to divorce.

Age 3-5: Regression to a more infantile state, problems sleeping, fear of separation

Age 6-8: Fantasies of parents getting back together, open emotions

Age 8-11: Anger, treat one parent as good the other as bad, take a caregiver role

Age 12-18: Depression, violent actions, judgmental of parents, develop anxiety about own relationships

Learning to help your children cope through divorce is possible the most important step in the divorce process. Children have no choice in the matter and may feel completely left out if their feelings are not recognized.

Stephen Kreutzer is a freelance publisher based in Cupertino, California. He publishes articles and reports in various ezines and provides divorce information on About Divorces!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Stephen_Kreutzer

As a result, both age groups often lose out in terms of getting the help they really need to cope with divorce. And during a divorce, infants do need help.

While infants don’t understand emotions they are highly tuned into their parents’ emotions – and follow their lead. In other words, the old adage is true: fretful parents do indeed make for fretful babies.

As few times are as fretful as divorce it is advisable that parents bear this in mind – for their own sake as much as baby’s – to minimize the effects of divorce on infants.

In short, divorcing parents who think it’s all right to cry, shout and break things in front of their baby cause them untold distress by providing a negative emotional lead. Unable to express their feelings, infant distress reveals itself through illness and regression – a return to an ealier stage of development.

Ultimately, this causes parents more distress too at an already distressing time. Unless emotions are kept in check (or out of sight) it is dangerously easy to end up with a situation spiralling out of control. An openly upset parent leads to an upset baby which makes the parent more upset…

Of course, this is easier said than done. Managing a divorce and an infant single-handedly is difficult. However, managing a divorce and a distressed infant single-handedly is even harder.

So, keep your emotions under wraps to minimise the effects of divorce on your infant and yourself. Your baby will remain as content and healthy as possible during this trying time – truly a bright spot in your life.

As child of divorce, it is important not to lose hope by thinking that you are going to commit the same mistakes your parents did. You will have to be a little optimistic and think that you have learned from the mistakes of your parents to make sure history does not repeat itself.

Here are other key points to help you: You will have to learn to forget and forgive the past. A successful marriage is difficult enough to maintain without bringing all your old laundry to it. First, make peace with your parents and forgive them. Do not blame their divorce for everything in your life. This will help you make peace with past and concentrate on the future with a fresh prospective. Remember that you are not your mom- remember that you are a different person and stop worrying about committing your parent’s mistakes. Remember that you control your fate and you make your own decisions. Also, accept that your spouse is not your dad or think that he is going to make the same mistakes as your dad did. Do not equate his mistakes to your father’s and think of the worst-case scenario. In order for you have a successful marriage, think of him as his own person, and place your complete trust on him. If he makes a mistake, be quick to forgive and enjoy each other’s company.

You are at an advantage when it comes to making mistakes. You have witnessed a failing marriage first hand. You just have to make sure that you do not perform the same mistakes in your married life. You can also look at your friend’s parents or relatives who have had successful marriages for pointers and talk to them.

Concentrate on your unique future. You should not define the path you are going to follow and base it on your parent’s union. You start by trusting your husband and placing complete faith in your relationship if you truly love him and like his company. Start building a better future with him by talking to him about your issues so he can understand you better.

As we look at today’s modern world and we can easily ask ourselves where we went wrong. However, you are not your past– remember that you are not bound to make the same mistakes unknowingly. Enjoy your married life.

Michael Russell
Your Independent guide to Women’s Issues

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