Rushing into a divorce is just as wrong as rushing into a marriage. You and your spouse have worked together over the years to face life’s challenges and now you must work together to save your marriage.

The strength of a marriage gives you an advantage over other couples who have never bothered to tie the knot. You both made a commitment in front of your friends and families to stay together through thick and thin.

If you are the one who said the dreaded word first, you will need to go to your spouse and explain that you were talking without thinking. Now that you’ve had time to think about it you know that the reality is that you never wanted a divorce.

Your spouse has been thinking about it too and probably feels the same way you do. Nobody really wants a divorce until a lot of bad things have happened and there seems to be no end to bad news. Practically every marriage can stand one big mistake. One mistake really only requires one apology if it is sincere. It is the multiple mistakes and multiple apologies that add up to an ultimate decision that the marriage is doomed.

If you really want to back away from this divorce then you are probably in a marriage that can be saved. Explain to your spouse that you really do want to spend the rest of your lives together and that you intend to deal with future problems in a more mature way, instead of just blurting out “I want a divorce”.

Just the word “divorce” is a painful thing for someone to hear when they have spent their lives dreaming of a wedding and a marriage and a house and two kids and a dog playing in the yard. The reality of life after divorce is enough to scare most people away when they really think about it and if you are a parent you have to consider the effect divorce will have on your children.

When talking to your spouse you should be discussing your common goals and the things you need to do to achieve them. You should be working together as a team to confront any problems and share in the triumphs.

If there is doubt about the wisdom of going ahead with divorce then consider using the services of a relationship therapist. Doing so does notmean that your marriage has failed. Think of it as both of you working toward the goal of a successful marriage. There are divorces that some people describe as successful, but the most successful divorce is nothing compared to a successful marriage.

But what exactly is the best way of telling your spouse, “I want a divorce?”, and what should you expect?

Their reaction

First of all, don’t expect your spouse to be anything less than shocked when you tell them you want a divorce. Even if they have had their suspicions, hearing the actual words – “I want a divorce” – will make divorce very real, very suddenly.

How exactly will they react? Accept that there’s really no way to know. This is a new emotional situation, for both of you. What’s more important – and within your control – is how you react to their reaction, whatever it is.

Whether you face fireworks, tears or numb disbelief, remain calm and in control. Sympathize with their reaction but do not react to it. Do not become angry, defensive or apologetic.

Remember,

• Their reaction is spontaneous, not the result of thought or reflection. Tomorrow, they will feel something different. The day after that, something different again as the reality of divorce sinks in.
• Reaching your decision to divorce has been a long and difficult process. There are solid reasons why it is the right decision.
• It is unrealistic to expect immediate understanding and acceptance at this stage.

In short, don’t be intimidated or confused by how your spouse reacts. Stick to your guns – to telling your spouse you want a divorce.

Explain why you want a divorce

Before telling your spouse you want a divorce, sum up the key reasons you want a divorce. You need to keep your reasons simple, straightforward and to the point. Too much detail – particular incidents, arguments, and so on – increases the likelihood that you will end up having the same arguments all over again. This is not the purpose of your talk.

A good rule of thumb for a “good explanation” of why you want a divorce is that it is one your spouse will feel comfortable repeating to friends and family.

In fact, being able to explain your decision to others without embarrassment will help them accept your decision to divorce.

Make it clear that your decision to divorce is final

Remember, whether or not your spouse agrees with your decision to divorce is not an issue. What is important is that they understand your decision is final.

To help your spouse understand this, emphasize how your decision to divorce is not a sudden one.

Talk about efforts you’ve made to save your marriage, and alternatives you’ve considered. Perhaps you’ve read books, explored options for mediation, or tried to stay together for the sake of the children.

Avoid conflict

When you tell your spouse you want a divorce they will see you, for the first time in a long time, as a separate and independent individual.

Make it clear that the “new you” is not their enemy – that you are not interested in conflict and confrontation.

This is important because:

• Divorces that begin with conflict tend to continue that way, costing dearly emotionally as well as financially.
• For children, the damage caused by a difficult, hostile divorce can last a lifetime.

Start as you mean to go on by remaining calm as well as respectful throughout your talk.

Talk about your children

If you have children, address an immediate and major concern. Assure your spouse that you will not interfere with their relationship with them.

For now, this is all that needs to be said. You can make specific visitation arrangements later.

A final word

Be prepared to feel some surprising emotions when you tell your spouse you want a divorce. After all, telling your spouse you want a divorce makes the situation suddenly very real for you too.

You may feel a complicated and confusing mix of anger, resentment, regret and even unexpected pity and concern for a spouse you felt you despised… These emotions can catch you very much off guard. Keep them under wraps and under control.

Again, remind yourself that these feelings are a product of the moment. Stay on track and tell your spouse, I want a divorce.

Copyright 2007 Caroline Mackenzie

We didn’t need to reignite the love in our relationship. We didn’t need to put the spark back into the marriage.

The problem seemed to just about the polar opposite of that. Things were too intense. We were so much in love that it would often cause us to end up arguing.

Whenever one of us had to go away on a business trip, the other would become jealous and unhappy. In short, we were having some serious problems and needed expert advice on relationships.

The problem is that no one seemed to offer the relationship help that we needed. We tried everything. We started off with some relationship advice columns, but quickly gave up on that approach. The relationship help that they gave was either hit or miss. It was inconsistent and just not very helpful.

We realized that we had to have professional help, either from a relationships counselor, or a divorce lawyer

Off course we had heard of relationship coaching and therapists , but we hadn’t really wanted to think about going in that direction. If we had thought carefully, we probably would have known that that was where we should get relationship help, but our thoughts never took us in that direction.

You see, we are both very private people. Neither of us wants people to know that we see a therapist. We figured we could work out our problems without counseling from a third party.

But in the end, when our marriage was on the verge of breakup, we realized that we had to have professional help, either from a relationships counselor, or a divorce lawyer.

Well we chose a relationships counselor. A therapist actually. And what she taught us was how to really listen to each other. To actually hear what the other person was saying instead of just letting the words flow right out again without ever understanding the meaning.

Our relationship got better very quickly. We began to talk to each other and to hear each other and it turned out that we didn’t have nearly as many problems in our relationship as we thought we had.

Our meetings with the relationship therapist went on for about six months. After that she said we were ready to go it alone. That was nearly two years ago and our marriage has just continued to get better. Take my advice. Try relationship counseling. It may well keep you far away from the divorce lawyers.

Proven methods to Save Your Marriage starting today, even if you are the only one who wants to work on it

In other words, if parents continue to argue after their divorce (and statistics suggest they will), children won’t gain from divorce. It’s the same situation constant conflict but worse: one parent is no longer at home.

You might dislike, despise or even hate your spouse but your children don’t. Divorce and the subsequent absence of a parent is an enormous loss for them perhaps the very worst effect of divorce.

Statistics also show that in many cases divorce actually heightens conflict, or causes it where little existed before. After all, the process of divorce is hardly designed to make you the best of friends.

So what does this mean?

If you’re undecided about divorce, worrying about the possible effects of divorce on your children, this issue – Will we still argue? – may help you make up your mind..

If you can honestly answer, with absolute certainty, that the conflict will end, then divorce may indeed have a positive effect on your children. But there’s another question you need to answer before this is true.

Would you describe the relationship between you and your spouse as a low-conflict marriage or a high-conflict marriage?

If high-conflict suits you best – if your children are constantly exposed to extremely negative and/or abusive words, emotions and behaviours – chances are they are traumatized by it. Divorce really will have a positive effect on your children’s lives. It certainly couldn’t be any worse.

If, on the other hand, your relationship is marked by low-level conflict by squabbles, impatience with each other’s habits, lack of communication and so on your children may be unhappy but not troubled to any serious degree. By comparison, the effects of divorce can be (and often are) devastating.

Which would your children choose? Life as it is, or a life that’s changed forever – life without one of you at home?

The bottom line is, if you are in a low-conflict marriage and your paramount concern is your children, divorce will most likely do them more harm than good.

If you accept this, you have two options: to try to save your marriage or to do what your children do accept things as they are. The good news is that low-conflict marriages stand the best chance of being saved.

But how true is it that children enjoy more peaceful, less troubling lives after their parents divorce?

The idea that divorce brings an end to conflict is based on the idea that marriage is the cause of conflict. To end the conflict simply end the marriage.

The problem with this argument is that it ignores the fact that conflict is caused by personalities, not marriage.

There’s no doubt that living in close proximity as a married couple heightens the conflict. However, divorcing and living separately doesn’t necessarily make it better. And rarely does it make it go away:

Divorce often causes a bitter dispute between the parents, even worse than before the divorce was decided upon. Two-thirds of angry divorces remain that way after 5 years of being separated, and one-quarter to one-third of those divorces that were initially in good spirits had degenerated to open conflicts.”

Second Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce (Paperback)
by Sandra Blakeslee, Judith Wallerstein

After all, divorced parents can still argue by phone, or when they drop the children off at each other homes. Then there’s the temptation to vent anger, resentment and other negative emotions to their children, or engage them as accomplices in making the other’s life a misery.

Children are concerned with the fact that their parents are arguing. Divorced or not, you will still be their parents. The big question is, will you still be arguing? Will divorce really have a positive effect on your children?