A common and troubling question is, “How do I tell my spouse I want a divorce?” It’s a common question because in most cases the decision to divorce or separate is made by one spouse alone. At some point the other has to be told that the marriage is at an end.
But what exactly is the best way of telling your spouse, “I want a divorce?”, and what should you expect?
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Our marriage was in trouble. We were arguing all the time. And we couldn’t figure out why. I love my husband very much. And he loves me. That was a large piece of the problem. The relationship advice that we needed to save our marriage was not the type that most people normally look for.
We didn’t need to reignite the love in our relationship. We didn’t need to put the spark back into the marriage.
The problem seemed to just about the polar opposite of that. Things were too intense. We were so much in love that it would often cause us to end up arguing.
Whenever one of us had to go away on a business trip, the other would become jealous and unhappy. In short, we were having some serious problems and needed expert advice on relationships.
In “Divorce Ends Conflict - Or Does It?” I took a quick look at the belief that divorce can have a positive effect on children by ending the trauma of witnessing parents at war. I concluded by saying that parents will always be parents, divorced or not. But will they still be arguing?
In other words, if parents continue to argue after their divorce (and statistics suggest they will), children won’t gain from divorce. It’s the same situation constant conflict but worse: one parent is no longer at home.
You might dislike, despise or even hate your spouse but your children don’t. Divorce and the subsequent absence of a parent is an enormous loss for them perhaps the very worst effect of divorce.
Statistics also show that in many cases divorce actually heightens conflict, or causes it where little existed before. After all, the process of divorce is hardly designed to make you the best of friends.
So what does this mean?
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When considering divorce, most parents consider the potential effects of divorce on their children. One argument in favour of divorce is the idea that it will bring an end to conflict. In other words, that divorce can have a positive effect on children’s lives.
But how true is it that children enjoy more peaceful, less troubling lives after their parents divorce?
The idea that divorce brings an end to conflict is based on the idea that marriage is the cause of conflict. To end the conflict simply end the marriage.
The problem with this argument is that it ignores the fact that conflict is caused by personalities, not marriage.
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