There are thousands of studies and statistics relating to the effects of divorce on children. In most cases, the outlook is pretty gloomy, making the decision to divorce that much more difficult for people with children.

There’s no doubt that children of divorce do experience emotional and behavioral problems. What troubles me is these studies and statistics give the impression that divorce is solely responsible for those problems.

I think this is unrealistic. And I think it’s dangerously misleading for people trying to do the right thing by their children.

The fact is, by the time their parents reach the point of divorce, most children have suffered already – from the effects of a bad marriage. The trouble is, social scientists don’t take note of how these children feel and behave until after their parents divorce. And then blame their emotional and behavioral problems on, you guessed it, divorce.

Unfortunately, this leads many parents to spare their children the effects of divorce, leaving them stuck instead with the possibly far more damaging effects of their marriage.

In “Divorce Ends Conflict – Or Does It?” I took a quick look at the belief that divorce can have a positive effect on children by ending the trauma of witnessing parents at war. I concluded by saying that parents will always be parents, divorced or not. But will they still be arguing?

In other words, if parents continue to argue after their divorce (and statistics suggest they will), children won’t gain from divorce. It’s the same situation constant conflict but worse: one parent is no longer at home.

You might dislike, despise or even hate your spouse but your children don’t. Divorce and the subsequent absence of a parent is an enormous loss for them perhaps the very worst effect of divorce.

Statistics also show that in many cases divorce actually heightens conflict, or causes it where little existed before. After all, the process of divorce is hardly designed to make you the best of friends.

So what does this mean?
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Assuming that you have several prospective divorce lawyers in mind to handle your divorce or custody case, you must investigate the qualifications of each attorney. Before investigating the qualifications of each attorney, you would be wise to set the bar on the minimum qualifications that are acceptable to you. An attorney’s qualifications in the following 5 areas will help you in your investigation.

(1) Percentage of practice devoted to family law
(2) Years of experience
(3) Certified specialist
(4) Law school and education
(5) Memberships
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Having kids is not a game, it’s a big responsibility. This will be a human life, that will be depending on you, for many years to come. It’s not right for two people, married or not, to expect a child to complete their lives. That’s way too much pressure to put on a child. You shouldn’t bring a child into the world, unless you can totally devote yourself to your child. It’s not just your life that’s being affected, but the way you raise and interact with your child will have a tremendous affect on how your child will interact with society at large.

Most couples start out by loving their kids and putting the needs of their kids ahead of everything else. But somehow, their values and good intentions can go astray, when the couples break up. Relationships aren’t easy, but the ending of a relationship, when kids are involved, is especially tough. The biggest losers, when these relationships end, are the kids. Not only have they lost some stability, but chances are they’ll be put in the middle of a custody battle.
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According to Rob Emery in his book The Truth About Children and Divorce, 75% of kids of divorce end up doing very well despite the parent’s separation. Does this happen naturally or do the parents actions have an impact on how the children will respond to the divorce?

Having experienced a divorce first hand, I believe the parent’s actions will have an impact on the children after the separation. Don’t get me wrong; some children will pass through a divorce completely unaffected while other kids will obviously need some help.

Recently, my two sons who live with their mom in a different province were visiting me for a week. During the visit, I saw my oldest son staring off into space one day with a far away look on his face. I asked him what he was thinking about and he made up some response about just looking at the forest. I realized the time was not right to discuss the matter but I asked him about it later that day. He eventually confessed he missed living in the same place as his dad but he didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to make me sad.
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A recent statistic shows that almost half of all marriages end in divorce. Divorce is difficult for everyone involved, but maybe the hardest on children. Most often they experience many feelings that they do not understand. They go through a range of emotions and need their parents to understand. If you are going through a divorce getting to understand how your children are dealing with it is important.

When parents divorce they often put their children in the center of arguments and a game of emotional tug of war. To avoid this sort of thing parents need to work together. Even though their marriage is over they are still parents together. The child needs to understand many things about the divorce. Parents need to keep in touch with their children and understand the many feelings they may be having. Older children, especially, can go through periods where they act out as a way to cope with the divorce. Many times children feel the divorce is their fault. They may worry about the future and how to deal with other events, like parent’s day at school. Both parents need to show the children that they can work together and not fight. At the same time it is important to let the children know that you are not getting back together. Establishing some sort of family structure is a necessity to help children get back to normal.
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